Mother's Day

We've got a house full of sickies. What a great way to spend Mother's Day: I got hit Friday with the flu, Dustin followed suit Saturday, and the girls have been developing coughs in addition to Rosie's ear infection... *pasted smile*

It was actually, surprisingly, a wonderful day. We were up early at church because Dustin was asked to speak about the importance of families. The talk was beautiful, and his eloquence in describing the purpose and blessings of having a family spread a happy sheen over the rest of our day. And I got to thinking about my past few Mother's Days....

My first Mother's Day, barely 6-months married, wasn't all that eventful. I think Dustin did buy me flowers, but mostly because during our first year of marriage I read a lot into not getting presents and other such showy signs of affection (poor guy). It was the first Mother's Day that I could have conceivably (pun intended) been expecting a child, and I remember wondering that weekend if I ever would someday be a mom, if--although I'd grown up expecting to become one--I could really fill that role or if I'd even be able to have kids. Lots of thinking, worrying, wondering about the future...

My next Mother's Day found me HUGE! I was 40-weeks-and-1-day pregnant with our first little girl and officially "overdue"--I'd been expecting (again, love the puns) to be a Mom this Mother's Day for, oh, eight months by this point and was EXTREMELY disappointed that I was still not a MOM, especially when Dustin gave me the flowers that he'd bought thinking I would be one by this point (pregnant lady reasoning..I guess technically I still "qualified" as a Mom, a fact my husband pointed out to me multiple times that day). I'd tried EVERYTHING that weekend--jumping, walking, yoga, castor oil (whoops), and every other wives-tale you've heard of--yeah, I'm pretty sure we went through them all, and still no labor-and-delivery signs popping up to greet me. Waited all day for it to happen--I think I ended up staying up until midnight just to make sure she really wasn't going to come on Mother's Day and make me a mom for this year's celebration (My baby decided to wait until I was a week overdue and then came at 41 weeks, hours before I would have been scheduled to be induced).

Mother's Day #3--I had an almost 1 year old and realized that Mother's Day, when your baby knows about four words and is easily distracted by movement, sugar, and wide open spaces, is still mostly for celebrating your mom and mom-in-law who live less than 30 minutes away from you. Still got my nice bunch of flowers from the local grocery store's bargain-bouquet rack :)

Last year, I was once again 39-and-counting weeks pregnant, and wondering if I'd be spending this Mother's Day in the hospital (nope). We'd just moved days before into our new home (yeah, moving 39-weeks pregnant is not all that fun, especially with an almost-2 year old "helping") and we were recovering.....and prepping. Two May babies, 2-years-minus-3-days apart.

This year, my almost-3 and almost-1 year old daughters didn't make any crafts for me. They didn't get up and make me breakfast (we are all sick and have church at 9:00, so we were lucky to get up and there as it was). I don't think either of them wished me a Happy Mother's Day (husband still came through with the flowers though). And yet all day I've been so incredibly grateful for them, for this experience, this transformation that motherhood is. Some people are born patient, some people quickly learn to be kind, some women innately know how to be fun and loving to children. Instead, Rosie and Sara have me, and every day, through their patience, the three of us learn what it means to be part of a family, to be nice to each other all day long (is Dad home yet?), to speak with patience and love and consideration, to stop pulling hair and throwing blocks and spilling food and spanking and rolling eyes, to revel in each and every moment we have together each day. I like the me that is emerging. Motherhood hasn't forced me to "lose" myself, but every week as I look back I do see the sharp bits weathering down and, hopefully, the hidden motherly tendencies polished up, and the fierce and consuming love and pride I have for my kids really tempers my temper and my soul into something that might be worth having around in this life and the eternities.

Moab

  In March we took another family vacation--Arches National Park. We were in Moab for a race (just the five-miler--no half marathon this year!) and took a day off work to make it a long and highly anticipated weekend.

  It became our first parental experience with vomit in the car. (no graphic photos included)  Sometimes I am so clueless as a mom. We got up early to head down to Moab with our first stop being Provo bakery. What fun parents, right? Rosie was super excited to see the donuts and chose a heavily sprinkled specimen--and then in the course of ten minutes only managed to consume three sprinkles. For anyone who has seen the manifestation of Rosie's inherited sweet-tooth, this should have been a red flag. But no, we drove off (and happily consumed her donut for her). Halfway there she starts crying and telling me she has to go potty and that her stomach hurts and then the moment comes and my mom-stincts finally kick in and I start shouting "Where is a bag, where is a bag, DUSTIN WHY DON'T WE HAVE A BAG IN OUR CAR?!?!?!?!!" And up it comes before I find anything and out comes my lightning-fast mom hand and the damage is done. Luckily she'd felt too sick to have much in her stomach so the mess was mostly isolated to her clothes and car seat. I'll leave the rest up to your imagination except for commenting that the girl is tough and managed to have her only other vomit-related moment while in a national park visitor's center bathroom. What a rock star.

Even sick, Rosie tackled the rocks like a champ.

I can't believe how quickly my kids are growing up. Sara was walking as a 9-month-old so every moment we spent out of the car she wanted to be on the ground and modeling her cute baby-waddle without our helping hands. Needless to say, our hiking was pretty slow.

Arches National Park is breathtaking, and even when our feet got tired, we were all loving the view.

And we got to meet up with some of our best friends and enjoy the parks together...well, honestly, we spent most of our time together in the hotel room. Their 3 year old managed to get sick on their way over from Colorado, so our sickies and babies preferred games and chatting and eating yummies in the hotel.

But it was a fun trip and one we hope to do again soon! Moab is stunning and lifelong friends are hard to come by.

Disneyland!

Well, it's been a while since we've traveled anywhere notable enough to deem mentioning here, but our friends make sure we spend a sufficient amount of time outside of our hometown each year. We made a goal together to meet up at the happiest place on earth with some of our dear high school/college friends, and we did it! 

So epic. And the girls loved it! (Um, we did too. For the record, if you go to Disneyland with young kids, always go with another young family! That way, between a combination of Fast Passes and Kid-Swap Passes you and your spouse get to go on all the cool rides together while the other couple watches all the kids and then you switch, allowing maximum amount of enjoyable-ness for each couple in the parks).

Rosie was so excited, all the time--dancing in the street, begging to go on the "Mickey wheel" one more time, and watching the parades in fascination. Sara just watched...everything. She is more subdued than her older sister, but her eyes were constantly looking at everything around her, and everyone in line seemed drawn to our cute little chubster (a fact she liked very much).

We even had a dress up day and wandered the park with a mini Cinderella and larger-than-life Tinkerbell.

 Rosie's favorite rides were Dumbo's flying elephants and, classic, the spinning teacups--definitely a big hit with all of us, since the line was short and fast moving--we rode it three time in thirty minutes and many more times besides.

By the end, Rosie was exhausted, and Sara wanted to stay forever.

We are already planning a return trip--anyone want to come along?

Contacts and Perspectives

Dear World,

  This week I took a big step--I got old. At least, I told my optometrist I felt old and he, a 67+ yr old, laughed at my 27 yr. old vanity.

I got contacts.

  Not really a big deal, right? Definitely not a sign of decrepitude. But, still, I've always prided myself on my 20/20 or 20/15 or whatever vision--we've got to have achievements of some kind, right?

  But that's over, now. I have these contact lenses that I wear probably 70% of the time. When I first put them in (after about 19 tries to get it into my left eye--sheesh!) and drove away from the doctor, I was happily surprised by the clarity of budding springtime leaves scores of yards away and individual pine trees on the mountainside--it wasn't a "I was blind, but now I see" moment, but more similar to those Claritin allergy medicine commercials where a cloudy film is peeled off the world and everything is just more brilliant and visible. Not a life-saver, but definitely a life-sweetener.

  Contacts. They take what is already there, enhance your already-existing abilities, and create a sharper picture that allows you to better understand and enjoy the world around you. They do take maintenance and care, and sometimes only for slight vision improvement, but it is better, and sometimes that little bit makes all the difference.

It changes your perspective on the world. On the life you are living.

  We each have "contacts" moments in our lives. Things that change our perspective. Things that sharpen the view and give more vibrancy, clarity, or comprehension to us. Things that don't necessarily change reality, but enhance our grasp of reality.

You don't always need and eye-opener; sometimes just an eye-sharpener will do.

  This isn't the best post to include this on, but thinking about life perspectives and such--as I did for this post--originated in thoughts regarding a dear friend of mine who's had plenty of opportunity to gain a truer perspective and who's put in the effort and maintenance a clearer view demands. She inspires me to tune up the way I approach life--to be more like her.

  Bonsai, next month, will have battled breast (and then bone, and then brain, and then spine) cancer for two years. Her toddler and baby have now sprouted into one precocious five year-old and one tenacious three year-old. When she was given the "less-than six months" diagnosis, she and her husband moved their kids from their Indiana home back to Utah to spend time with family--and I was blessed enough to live nearby. I've been able to have some wonderful moments with her and to pray in gratitude as those short six months grew into almost nine months of relative health and mobility.

 Now doctors are telling her that her window is closer to four weeks.

  There have be so many blessings. There have been so many moments to be grateful for. So many memories made. There have also been so many hard times. So many challenges. So many "lasts" and unknowns. And during it all I've had the opportunity to see how Bonsai has taken this monsoon and found a perspective of clarity. She's taken moments to teach me what it means to be a family forever, to continue being a mom even if she isn't picking up her future teenage kids' dirty laundry. She's clarified what it means to have an eternal marriage, to parent together even when your spouse is on the other side of the veil of mortality that separates this world and the next. She's taught me to love in the moment and to have patience with those around you and yourself.

  It's times like this when I'd love to be a writer that can say something profound, that can really share something beautiful and striking through words, something that actually coveys what I feel about another human being. To write something that gives tribute to another beautiful soul. But hopefully you each have experiences to draw on that illuminate the clarity I've gained through this friendship that will last though eternity, either here though a miracle or spanning the boundaries that heaven draws.

  Thanks, Bonsai. I look forward to more fun and memories in the weeks and months to come, and also the deeper memories and experiences to be made in the following decades and eons.

A new hobby-job

I've never been a writer. Not really.

I mean, I've written a lot. That's unavoidable with a bachelor's degree in History and a master's degree in English. Lots of words from my brain have made it into black-and-white and been read by others. And I guess I have this blog, and a journal, and lots of emails, so yes, I do write. But I'm not a writer.

Now writing is my job.

It's not as dramatic as I've made it sound (like most things in my life). I've taken on a 4-8 hour a week commitment to concoct creative, short passages about any topic under the Humanities sun, accompanied by half a dozen intellectually challenging questions with explanations--I write the verbal reasoning (now known as the Critical Analysis and Reasoning) section of an MCAT practice test.

I really like having a creative outlet that pushes me. And it keeps me searching for new information--I've learned about national holidays, animation computer programs, MoMA art exhibits (like the Rain Room by rAndom [sic] International), and Toni Morrison, to name a few. And I figure the job fits me well, seeing as how standardized tests are something I am reasonably good at.

But creativity--it is stretching my figurative muscles right now. Do any of you know of cool and happening things regarding (but not limited to) Architecture, Art, Dance, Ethics, Literature, Music, Philosophy, Popular Culture, Religion, Theater, or Studies of Diverse Cultures? Or better yet, places to read where I will run across such things? My Facebook feed isn't quite at this level yet :)

It feels good to use my hard-earned academic degrees to accomplish something--and I still get to be at home with my two darling girls. Life does't get much better than that.

So, higher-brow sources to learn about cool new things? Any leads? I'm seeking Muses to guide me as I fit into this new cap in my collection: Lauran, the writer.

Can't Buy Me Love

February, the month of love, just ended last night. And, although my thoughts right now are not as philosophical as my musings from last Valentine's Day season, I have been thinking about love--and the parts of it I can buy. Here are just two of the many examples:

Music: Dustin and I found one another through music--singing, attending, playing, talking about, participating in, breathing music. It's been a large part of our lives pretty much since we were born. I want my two girls to also discover the breath-taking experiences that music gives...the ones you can't buy.
But, you can buy a piano.
It might be half a century old. It might be out of tune. It might have only cost a few hundreds instead of a few thousands, but it is a piano and our family is already doing our darnedest to break it in (or wear it out). That, and a neon green recorder (or "hoon" as it is known around our house) from the dollar store are instruments in making priceless music.

Outings: Family has grown more and more important to me as each year shows me how precious it really is. You can't put a price on the love I've found in marriage and mothering, but you can help it grow by spelling family as T-I-M-E and love as F-U-N. Our outings are usually pretty affordable (we are big fans of Free Zoo Day and splitting fast-food fries & shakes three ways) but the resulting memories and relationships are cherished beyond an auction-able amount. Hubby took the girls out for a daddy-daughters date this week and Rosie can't stop telling me about the crystals she saw in the university's science building and how yummy the crunchy cone was from McDonald's (after they took the paper off).

It doesn't take much--a little money properly placed can take love a long way.

Books Read in 2014

  The past few months I've enjoyed reading friends' and internet acquaintances' "Year in Books" posts, and I want to start posting one each year to encourage me to up the ante--both in quantity and quality--of the books in my life. The following titles are the baker's dozen of books that I can remember reading this past year. Now that I am graduated and (supposedly) have more time on my hands, I'd like to really dig my teeth into some hefty, emotional, delightful, and/or enlightening texts.

  That means, to all reading this post, I need some help, so please send me some suggestions. I love fluff (if you could see my 2015 book list, mostly rebound from grad school, it already includes stories like The Princess Academy, Dealing With Dragons, The Scorpio Races) to fill the in-between moments, but I am craving some good non-fiction books that will actually expand my mind. I'm also looking to dedicate some effort in electronic books (mostly accomplished while holding sleeping children with phone in hand), free ebook suggestions are welcome as well. I feel exceptionally inadequate when to comes to finding contemporary publications, though, so leaving recently published suggestions and favorites would be exceptionally wonderful.

  Reading has such a power--it opens intellectual avenues my mind does't naturally tend towards as I trudge my rote paths. I've been doing a lot lately to try and develop myself as a person--I'd really like help to make reading a large part of that.

2014 books

Little Dorrit--Charles Dickens
   Suuuuuuperrrrrr loooooooong. Whew. My only real exposure to Dickens has been The Christmas Carol, A Tale of Two Cities, and some mini-series of works like Bleak House. Really fun to dive into one of his longer texts, and the characters were sweet even if the story and characterization were a little blase.

Thirty-Nine Steps--John Buchan
    Forerunner to James Bond and other such stories. Not what I was expecting, and definitely a fun surprise.

Wonderful Stories for Children--Hans Christian Anderson
    A collection of some of his lesser known tales, many of which deserve to be lesser known

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone--J.K. Rowling
    Gotta love these books. This read-through was out loud with the husband. Might be an old-fashioned hobby, but reading books aloud to each other has been a favorite pastime since our marriage began.

The Book of Mormon--Scripture
    I think I've successfully gotten through this book at least once a year since I became a teenager, but I'd have to do research to confirm that statement during the early years.

Dubliners--James Joyce
    Compilation of short stories all about individuals living in Dublin. I read it for one of my grad classes and really enjoyed discussing the ideas and papers which emerged from this text.

Murphy--Samuel Beckett
     Definitely stranger than Dubliners, but sparked some interesting conversations. Really difficult to connect with the characters, but admirable for other qualities.

"Waiting for Godot"--Samuel Beckett
     I liked it much better this, my second time, through. I sure wish I could see this play's production with Ian McKellan and Patrick Stewart as the main characters!

Lilith--George MacDonald
     I CERTAINLY need to recommend this one, as I wrote my master's thesis on it, but the recommendation must come with a caveat: it isn't easy or necessarily accessible when it comes to understanding and enjoying. Of the three professors who sat on my thesis committee, none of them could make it through the book. It is more like reading a dream than anything else. That being said, I learned a lot about myself and the process of gaining knowledge, truth, and identity while studying this work of MacDonald, the author who instigated C.S. Lewis' path towards Christianity.

"The Tempest"--William Shakespeare
    I can't believe I hadn't read this play until I was 27. It's a classic, and definitely not one that should be left to the Wishbone TV series' version.

Gilead--Marilynne Robinson
     Rarely has a book touched me as this book did. Rarely do we see an intelligent and convincing author seriously confront and explore religion without cynicism or condemnation. Rarely does a book instigate conversation between the mind, soul, and imagination--especially one set in a small nineteenth century American town. HIGHLY RECOMMEND!!!!

The Book of Three--Lloyd Alexander
      A childhood favorite (the whole series is smashing) and another from my husband's and my read-aloud repertoire.

The Help--Kathryn Stockett
      This has been a long-time occupant of my reading list and definitely worth the wait--what an enjoyable way to spend a couple afternoons over the Christmas break.


  Okay, help me branch out. What else is out there?

Starting Anew

I have wisely made the decision to stay silent through the month of January to break my horrible habitual addiction of New Years Resolution blogging (aka a smattering of posts in the first forty-five days of the year and internet silence for the remaining 320 days). But now, the year's second month has come and I am ready to really dedicate time this year to brief but consistent blogging.

This blog began as a place to document travel--going from Italy to the UK to the US and invariably closer-to-my-Utah-home locations. Now, with kids, my travels are more of a figurative journey--there is still the occasional vacation documentary post, but mostly this blog captures snapshots of my (and my family's) steps through the beautiful mess of living.

But, before jumping headlong into a new and unusually regular blogging routine, I would like to share my traditional post of accomplishments of the past year and goals in store for 2015. It's nice to look back on what I have done for motivation to achieve what I can do.

2014:
Welcomed second child (another girl) into the world
Bought our home
FINALLY graduated with a master's degree

2015:
Study the scriptures daily as an individual, couple, and family.
Use my master's degree.
Hike a mountain peak.
Restart foreign language study.
Have a clean house at least twice a month.
Create a frame-able painting.
Help our garden plot actually produce.
Read.
Leave the state 5 times.
Run another marathon.


Mostly, this year I hope to explore ways to develop personally and influence the world around me that don't necessarily result in being a good mom or getting a paycheck. More musings on this later, but it seems the big question for women is stay-at-home, work-at-home, or work-out-of-home? Always between mommyhood and occupation. I want to find ways to find and express myself that don't necessarily answer to one or the other. We'll see how that goes.

Second Pregnancy...

To those who don't know me from Adam, or who know and love me dearly:

I have a few suggestions on what (not) to say to pregnant women--especially if you saw both their first and second pregnancies and the less-than-positive aspects of this most recent one. I find these comments funny (especially when I get to tell my husband about it) but others might not see the humor...especially if they are dealing with other more hormonal effects of pregnancy.

You don't have to tell me I'm huge. I figured that out on my own, and I am reminded of it every time I stand up. It is not the most tasteful comment in the world to (7 tell a  months pregnant) preggo lady that

#1 "You look like you should be delivering tomorrow"

#2 "Are you sure you aren't having twins?"

#3 "Did you just get huge overnight or have I not seen you in forever?" (from someone who sees me weekly)

#4 "You're due in March, right? (no...May)

#5 (for obgyn doctors only) "You are measuring 28 weeks on the dot!...ohh, you aren't that far along? [checking my chart] Well, it's normal to be a little large on your 26 week visit...ohh, you are only on week 24? That's fine too, second babies get larger quicker quite often, ah-hem"

  My only question is--why didn't you tell me I was huge the first 25 pounds I gained? The last month I only put on 3 (and a half) pounds. Why wait until now to tell me that I look like a bloated whale?

  On a related (and more important) note, thank you for noticing that I am pregnant. Thank you for being excited for me. Thank you for wanting to talk about my baby. I know and love lots of people who haven't had the chance to be expecting a child and I've been blessed to be able to travel it road twice. I am savoring 96% of the journey (minus the hugeness and running out of clothes that fit) and I love talking about 100% of it, so even if you come up and tell me I'm fatter than Jabba the Hut, it's going to be enjoyable for me to comment on it--it's all part of the miracle, and I love sharing it with those around me.

 

True Love...or the Truth About Love

  So, February is the month of love. With all the hearts and pink and red and romantic expectations revolving around, I've been thinking a lot about the truth about love--that it always involves effort, either on your part or someone else's (usually both). But that effort comes at different times and in different ways. For example, sometimes other people's efforts are easy to love...and other times, it takes effort on your part to love others despite what they do/don't do.

Let me illustrate:

Rosie spending ten minutes quietly dissembling the filing system in my bedroom which organizes all the tenants and their history of the apartments we manage, just because she likes to be where I am, handling things I handle = Hard to love.

Rosie shouting "I love you TOO!" from the backseat of the car = Easy to love.

Dustin taking my kitchen scissors outside to trim our roses (for me) and breaking the scissors after I told him they would break if he tried using them = Hard to love.

Dustin getting me a maternity massage for Valentine's day because, even though we are not that kind of people, he thought it would be "romantic." = Easy to love.

Rosie getting out of her bed in the middle of the night, coming into our bed, and scooting me off of my pillow and eventually out of my bed = Hard to love

Rosie waking up (sleeping in past 7:00!!) after spending the night in our bed, gently holding my face, and saying "hi, Mommy!" = Easy to love

  You get the idea. People can be easy to love. People can be hard to love. Especially family. And yet, even the hard to love moments can be filled with such a deep and lasting emotion that I sometimes just pause in awe at the blessings I live with every day.

  I got to pick my husband (well, I got to stand there stubbornly until he convinced me that picking him was the only way I would ever really be happy) and was lucky enough to find someone who loved me more than anything--and acted on it every day. Choosing your spouse (AKA roommate/companion/eternal buddy) is a plus that comes with marriage--there are a lot of people in this world I can't stand being around for ten minutes, let alone for ten eons--so lucky for me I don't have to be married to any of them for eternity. 

  But kids are a crap-shoot: you really never know what you're gonna get until they pop out (or even later, when it's too late for exchanges...just kidding). I don't know how I got lucky enough for God to send someone that I (a life-long babysitting-hater, ugh!) could not only love and care for but that I want to spend every day with, someone who can be my best friend, a little girl that I can see loving and cherishing for life, who just gets funner (and funnier) with every word, look, dance move, etc. that she pulls out of her hat. Who gets that lucky? Is it too much to hope that all my kids will be this fun? 

  The truth about love is that it takes work. But God also gives us a break and send people into our lives that are not only easy (and hard) to love, but who make our life worth living--and are the few souls in the universe we literally couldn't live without.